ELMO

beware this is a very emo post. read only if you think you have nothing to do.

these days i feel my life is so messed up. am feeling stressed over so many things... life's like that. full of ups and downs and goods and bads. i think i know why i am feeling particularly like that. basically its two things: family and work. it stresses me out when i think of those two and link myself up with them. how i wished i could just selfishly unplug the connection when i want to and plug it back when i feel like it. i know i am very very very selfish.. but its just what goes through my mind now. i am afraid to know the fact that i will/might have hurt people or will/might have hurt myself. i am scared. i dont want to be pulled back into the past which i have worked very hard to get out of it. i dare not face certain people. i do not want to answer to people for things i dont feel like answering. i dont want to look as if i am a bad person. all i want to do is ESCAPE. i am SCARED. i just want to hide from all the troubles till the time i feel calm and safe to appear... how can i escape? how can i remove myself from entangling futher from all these things that troubles me?

FAMILY is one thing that we cannot change. it is given to us. its a gift to us. i know that. i should be thankful for that. however, a certain set of information had been stored in my memory which i am not able to forget. my attitude, my character, my life is structured in such a way to blend and accustom to the circumstances i was in all the while. some good. some bad. i have learnt to change some of the bad by changing my environment. and due to some incidents, some things changed for the past 6 months because of a person. a person i had been avoiding previously and now. and for the past 6 months, i have been adapting to the new environment and began to love the freedom it allows. now, with just a word from a person, everything is back to before and some drastic change will happen. i cannot forsee how will the effect of the change be, but i definately need lots of time to accept the fact that it's back like before and to get comfortable with it while keep on telling myself that the end result will not hurt someone that i loved. when i see how this change is affecting another one of my family member, i began to feel scared. nothing is positive. i am worried and i want to ESCAPE. i do not have the guts to face it. i know i am a really useless person in matters like that, but i really want to escape. and i have been thinking and planning all sorts of things just to escape. truth is, i dont like this. i dont like to escape. i dont like to run away. and i dont know who can tell me the answer and give the the confidence that nothing bad's gonna happen. it frightens me..

WORK is one of the thing stresses me out. i am a person who loves stability. i do not like challenge. with the current situation, i am trembling at my feet. i feel cold. i feel lost. i dont know what to do. i dont know any single damn shit. i am just like a particle of dust floating here and there with no arah tuju. i have been told something.. and all i have to do is wait. my wait is for something uncertain. at the beginning, i am full of confidence. my confidence level is shaken up. i am beginning to lose them... one by one flying out of the secured bottle.. sometimes, i wondered, whether is it always secured or not? should i take actions by moving on? will i regret? haih... i dont know. i dont know whether am i lying to myself now or am i just being impatient? all i want is just the peace of mind and the happiness to work for someone i love to work with. am i asking too much?