let it be

These days I've been thinking a lot and feeling downward yo-yo of my 'emo'ness.

One thing for sure to be blamed is my hormones. The other major one is of what I do every day. I am so sorry to myself to have to admit that I am back to the stage where I delayed waking up as late as I can… people close to me, who have stayed with me for some time would know what it means! Hah! Why am I going through this again? Nothing so fun to go through stages like this!

I will have to learn a lesson actually. I knew, at that moment, deep inside me, that I didn't feel comfortable when I had to nod my head. *Slaps self! I should've followed my instincts! Silly girl! But due to many considerations, and the many 'no's I said, I couldn't afford to wait any longer. I just had to nod, telling myself that 'this is the right decision' and secretly praying hard that things could turn out well.

Big lesson learnt. Next time, I hope I could insist to follow what my heart says so. But next time would not be so near yet as I have responsibilities to bear. Until then, I guess I would have to just hang on and pray that I could survive the ordeal. ~~~I will survive~~~ *ganbate!

I believe I could do it. I've been finding ways to keep myself calm, balance out the unstableness in me, be happy and telling myself, "everything's gonna be allright!". Actually I am not so sure after all. Off and on, something keeps telling me to give up but logical reasoning stopped me. Torn in between two options, I found it very very difficult to hold on to the 'happy' card.

So I told myself. Life is a journey, full of hurdles and potholes. I am allowed to curse and swear the person who built the road, but no one prevented me to enjoy the beautiful nature I see along the way. To survive this ordeal, I just had to change my focus. Instead of focusing on the potholes and badly managed place, it's my choice to enjoy the beautiful nature and the wonderful people around me!! Fuck those potholes and evil spirits around me who try to make my life as miserable as it can be for their own enjoyment! Karma is a bitch! It will come back to visit those who made people's life miserable!

I hope by telling myself this it will make me feel muchhhhhh better….. Although in actual fact, I will pray for karma not to make other people life miserable just because I said so. Them making mine miserable does not mean that I want to make theirs miserable as well (accumulating good karma for my next generation). I would rather just let it be. It's their life and I just want nothing to do with them as much as I can. I would be most grateful for that.

Let it be..let it be…let it be…. let it be….